D Pickup lines
by Scarlett Rhapsody
Summary: What happenes when Allen suddently starts splurting really bad pick-up lines involuntarily? - Komui's experiments, of course! My first fanfic! CRACK, tidbit a' Yullen,rated T especially for awful,horrible language and verbal sexual harassment. Enjoy!
1. Hey, baby!

**Disclaimer:** **I OWN D.Gray-Man** . Really, I do!! so from now on if somebody wants to write fanfiction you must ask for my permission and mention me because the rights are mine, MINE I tell you!!

-Didn't expect that, did you?- nerdy laugh

**Real Disclaimer**: _D.Gray-Man belongs to Hoshino Katsura. He/she is a cool person, though I envy him/her sometimes._

* * *

Chapter 1. : _**H**__e__y, __**B**_a_**b**_y…_ !_

" Hey there, Moyashi-chan, watcha' doing?"

Allen, carrying some boxes, turned to look at his red head friend.

"Fine. And it's Allen. I'm helping Komui store up this stuff…only there are too many shelves and I don't know how to find number 642383599838…"

"Oh, I'll show you, I memorized all the tag numbers in the science departament's storage rooms" Lavi grins and points to his patched eye.

They both went inside a huge dark deposit room and Allen climbs up a ladder and places his cargo at the place Lavi indicated. He suddently sees a transparent recipient with some weird glowing pink substance in it ...

"Hey, Lavi, check this out…!" but as Lavi turns towards him, he accidentally hits the ladder on which the younger exorcist stood with his elbow. The British boy loses his balance and falls on the floor with a loud thump.

"Allen, I'm sorry, are you alright?" he looked at the boy who looked dizzily at him and opened his mouth to assure him that he's fine:

"Are you lost, baby? Because heaven is a long fall from here !"

"Huh?"

"Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!" Allen slapped his mouth. _'What did I just say?!'_

" Oh my god, I think he's hit his head…!"

"Is that a ladder in your tights, or is it the stairway to heaven?" _'What the hell is happening to me? That's not what I want to say! WHAT AM I SAYING?!'_

Allen started hitting himself while Lavi looked dumbfounded at him. But then the redhead noticed some fosforescent liquid dripping from the cursed boy's face and near him an empty bottle. He showed it to Allen and read the label aloud: "Pick-up lines Komu-potion. G.Y.S. (get you smacked) type 01..."

The silver haired boy was red with anger, hit his fist in the ground and told his companion: "You might not be the best looking around here, but beauty is only a light switch away " ( _'We're going to talk to Komui, Lavi!_')

"Erm…ok…" Lavi sweatdropped "…we better go see Komui…"

* * *

On their way to the crazy supervisor's office they meet with Miranda, who greets them with a shy smile:

"Hello Allen, Lavi. How are you doing ?"

"Heya', Miranda. We're kinda' in a hurry to see Komui"

"You look like Beyonce, so let me give you an _upgrade_" ( _'That's right'_) Allen nodded in approval.

"Who is Beyonce?" Miranda asks, starting to feel paranoid.

'_I have no idea, I can't control what pick-up lines I say'_ (A/N: This is the 19th century, so they haven't heard of her, duh! ) "Fc# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?"

'_Oh shit'_he mentally slaps himself. Lavi's jaw dropped. Miranda was pulling her hair and hyperventilating.

'_I didn't mean to say that. No, noooo!'_ Allen shook his hands vehemently trying to calm the woman down, but what came out was: "I'd like to see you tonight but I hope I don't wake up with you still there in the morning !"

"Allen doesn't want to know me anymore. Waaaah! I knew I was useless, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so very soooooooory!! "

"Calm down, Miranda! Lavi tried to make her relax as he put his hand on Allen's mouth in order for him not to splurt out anymore pick-up lines "Breathe in, breath out…"

Miranda fainted and got carried away to the infirmary by some finders who were passing by that hallway.

* * *

In front of the office door, Lenalee was just about to go in when he saw and greeted the two. "Hell no! Allen don't say anything to Lenalee or there will be trouble with the sister complex monster!" he whispered and the younger exorcist nodded in agreement. The junior Bookman then gave her a toothy grin and asked:

"Is Komui in?"

"Yes, I presume he's sleeping on his desk as usual" She opened the door and her presumptions about the scientist's activity were verified" What's wrong with Allen-kun? Why isn't he saying anything?"

"There was a Pick-up line potion that fell on him so everytime he openes his mouth he says something kinky, dirty and perverted that so far didn't work on the ladies" Allen elbowed him in the ribs.

"Nii-san will fix that." she said with a cold, blank expression that reminded them of a mafia head. A chill ran up their spine. "Allen, try to say something so that I can see what's wrong"

'_Y-y-yes. Scary'… _"Your daddy must have been a baker because you've got a nice set of buns"

The Chinese girl turned instantly red, Lavi scatched his head distractedly and Allen was bowing in a continuous apology. But suddently the room started darkening soon as the premonition of finisterra stroke fear in the silver eyed's heart. Evil dark demon lord Komui emerged from his work-slacking slumber holding the dentist's drills of doom.

"What do you think you are doing to my precious Lenalee ?!" His glasses shone like the scythe of death as he inched closer and closer to the unfortunate boy.

"I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves!!" ( _'It's not what you think, I didn't mean to..._') agitated, Allen tried to explain himself .

"You perverted bastard!! How dare you taint my Lenalee's innocent ears ?!" Lavi was laughing hard "You shure do adapt your pick-up lines to the person!"

"I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day!" ( _' I could use some help, here!'_) he shouted and glared at him.

Lavi, understanding the situation and deciding to save him from death by Komurin tried to explain the situation to the berserk scientist: "Err… Komui, Allen is being affected by a potion you invented…"

"Whaaat!! …but he…Leeeeenaaaaleeeee!!" After Lenalee finally kicked some sense into her brother, Komui examined the empty bottle.

"Hmmm, I see… Pick-up lines Komu-potion. G.Y.S. (gets you smacked) type 01. So this is why Allen talks like that.."

"Excuse me, but I think I dropped something…My jaw!!" (_'That's what I've been trying to tell you all along!_')

" It' s been a while since I last used it…" he continued.

"You mean you actually used it?!" they all exclaimed.

"Yes, we wanted to make exorcists and finders communicate easier with the average population when on missions…However it turned out most people refused to talk who those who tried it and often got smacked . That's why it is labeled as a failure" points to the G.Y.S. initials "It seemed to work on General Cross, though" Allen looked traumatized at the mention of his master's name.

"Well, nii-san, you better return Allen back to normal !" Lenalee said as she exited the room with an empty tray.

"Now how do you turn Allen back to normal?" Lavi asked Komui.

"I don't know. I forgot." The man said with an affected pouted face.

The youngest exorcist's eyes twinkled evily.

"Do you come here often? ...Your father must have been Bin Laden, cause you're the bomb!" ('What do _you mean you don't know?!... Do something about it!'_) He shook the mad scientist by the collar.

"Aaaa…I guess I can check on my notes…I think they were over here…or maybe there…?" Komui started turning around and digging into the mountains of paper, wiping away spiderwebs and making a thick cloud of dust rise up into the air.

"Here it is!...Hmm…It doesn't say how to cure it, all of the people that used the Pick-up line potion seem to have gotten rid of it's effects by themselves somehow…"

"Strange. Maybe it will fade out in time" Lavi assured the boy and started ruffling his hair "besides, the pick-up lines are sorta funny"

"We are a perfect match because my favourite number is nine and yours is six, so let's put that into action, shall we?" Allen said in a soft, hopefull voice.

"…"

"However, it is transmitable to people…"Komui blew the dust into Allen's face and Lavi paused with his hand still in the silver hair "…within a 3 m radius around the subject if…" Allen felt a ticklish sensation "… he sneezes."

"Achooo !" the dust has taken it's toll on the boy's respiratory system.

"My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love…" (_'Don't tell me…'_) Komui slapped his forehead.

"Hey, baby ! How'd you like to get outta' my dreams and into my lap…" (_'I got infected too!')_ was Lavi's response to that.

" Nothing that you've ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we are together " Allen completed.

Komui scribbled down a piece of paper showing it to the other two. "_There is nothing we can do now. We will just have to wait and see, considering the fact that all the people who tried it returned to normal.__"_

The room suddently vibrated and a loud grumble came from Allen's monster stomach. _'Guess I need to get something to eat…'_

"_Then I guess I'll see you two later. If something happens and you stop saying bad pick-up lines, come and tell the others__",_ Komui continued writing _"I'll try to think of a solution. In any case, restrain yourselves from sneezing when close to others!"_

* * *

The two exorcists found themselves outside the office, when Bookman swiftly appeared and dragged Lavi by the collar, scolding him for not finishing his work in the library. The redhead was surprised, but tried not to say anything and neither did Allen, as he watched his comrade disappear around the dark corners or the building.

Bookman felt suspicious about the fact that his apprentice was unusually quiet, so he immediatly kicked him on the back of his head, to get a reaction.

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Of all the women in the bar, you looked to me like the most likely to fuck a stranger." (_'What was that for Gramps?! I was having a hard time abstaining myself from talking!_') junior Bookman instantly jumped.

"What did you say, you idiot?" the old man was scandalized.

"I'm so religious because I know how to do missionary!...It's not the size of the boat - it's the motion of the ocean!" (_'It's not my fault I said what I said! It makes me sick just saying it to you, Old Panda!'_)

A long session of spectacular panda pwnage took place after this…

* * *

**Scarlett Rhapsody(or Anna, if you like)** : What's a nice reader like you doing in a place like this? XD

So how was it? Was it good, was it boring? Reviews please! You can write me anything like "It was awesome, I couldn't stop crying on how bad it was!!" or giving some constructive criticism or an "You have no talent whatsoever. You should give up" (-then add the story and author to favourites)

**Chapter 2**. will be up sometime, just after I figure out how to solve the whole predicament. Kanda is my next victim and there will be hints of Yullen,just because I like the pairing!


	2. Flirting battle royal Any questions?

**Disclaimer**: I wouldn't mind owning D.Gray-Man. If I did Allen would hit on Kanda often. How about it, **Katsura-sensei**?

To **TheOwarimasu** : I have used the Windex pick-up line, especially if it has (traumatic) sentimental value to you :D

To **everybody**, thank you for reading this stuff and for your reviews, I believe I have answered most of them, and enjoy the story!

* * *

Chapter 2.: **F**l_i**r****t**in_**g** _b**a**_ttl_**e **r_o**_y_a**_l_**. _An_**y _**q**ue**s**t_**i**o_**n**_s_ **?**_

In the dimly lit hallways of the Black Order, a dark haired Japanese man with a katana on his belt was slowly walking towards his room. Any person would agree, even at first glance, that he was unusually good looking, with a slightly feminine face and a great physique. Despite his beautiful features, he was also known for a sharp sword and a foul mouth…But he was about to meet with someone far worse in the latter aspect...!

Kanda Yu just finished his morning training, intending to continue his daily routine - taking a shower and afterwards eating his usual order of tempura soba -, when, suddently, a silver haired hunger driven air head crashed into him.

"Watch where you're going, Beansprout!"

" Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?" Allen said quickly in an apologetic impulse, but soon realized what was coming out.

"Are you stupid? Is old age giving you trouble, old man?"

Did I forget to mention that always managing to get on Allen's nerves was also one of Kanda's definitory characteristics? The British boy forgot the situation he was in and ...

"Did you clean your pants with Windex latley, because I can see myself in them ! " (_'Stop calling me that, I have a name!'_)

The older exorcist froze. The younger one stared when he thought he saw the other one blush, but ...

"Are you out of your fucking mind?!" Kanda burst out unsheating Mugen and throwing a swing at Allen.

" You must have a ninja in your pants, 'cause your ass is kicking !" ( _'I didn't want to say that! It's not my fault, idiot!!'_) Allen was beet red _'Now I've done it...'_ he gulped at the shining sword_..._

"You dare mock me, Bean? _Kaichou Ichigen..._!!"

" You might as well sleep with me, because I'm gonna tell everyone we did anyway!!" Allen screamed, running as fast as he could from the insects.

* * *

After barely managing to escape the samurai's deadly attack, the english boy finally arrived to the cafeteria. His stomach was getting ravenous, especially after having a great workout to save himself. He quickly wrote what he wanted to eat on a really long rolled-up piece of paper. Then he walked to the counter and handed over his long toilet paper-like list ( or ninja scroll if my comparison was too vulgar :P) to the glittering pink haired chef.

While Allen was waiting for his order and picturing the food dancing around on the sounds of an angel choir, a finder with a plate in his hand asked for some more pepper and started sprinkling it generously in his food.

"Here is your order, Allen-kun!"

Allen sneezed... and then he nonchalantly took his tray with the mountain of filled plates. He somehow had the feeling that he'd forgotten something, but his appetite urged him to focus on the food. Which is exactly what he did.

* * *

"Do you like _Pokemon_ ? I'd shure like to _Pick'at'chu_ ! " (_'Hello, what would you like to eat? I can make anything.'_), Jerry smiled at his next customer -

" If you were a hamburger at _McDonalds_, you would be _McGorgeous_!" (_'Don't be shy now !')_ he leaned closer to the confused finder.

Then, the said finder remembered that the cook has always had an awkward way of talking, so he shrugged and told him his order.

"Nice legs - what time do they open?" inquired the pink haired man, retreating to the kitchen.

* * *

Allen had just finished his gargantuan meal and was feeling very happy and full, until that familiar ticklish sensation started to bother him.

_'Oh, no! I better get out of here quick...'_ He put a finger under his nose and got up to run into a clear area...But he barely made a few steps when he bumped into someone. The crack-fic bitch that is fate also made the person that he bumped into to be Kanda Yu.

"Are you blind? " the samurai was in his pissed up mood , but he was certainly more pissed than usual after talking to the cook...

"_Achoo!!_ "..._'I just didn't...'_

" You. Me. Whipped Cream. Handcuffs. My room. Any questions?" was Kanda's confirmation of his fears.

" Sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up !" ( _'I'm sorry! I didn't want you to get it! Just don't kill me!!'_)

Kanda was fully intending to grab his sword, but suddently his hand didn't obey him and took a very different course... Allen noticed a hand squeezing his bottom...

" Is this seat taken ?" ( _'Gyaaaah!!'_) the japanese had a horrified face, that was a rarity to see. Allen was frozen in shock.

" If you've heard about _Sodom_ n' _Gomorra_, how about I _Sodom_ that ass and _Gomorra_ in you ?" ( _' What the hell did you do to the way I talk, you stupid bean? '_ ) he shouted. Allen was still frozen in shock.

All the people in the cafeteria were staring at them, whispering and staring some more...

" The name's Yuu... Remember it, you'll be screaming it later !!" ( _'What are you people staring at? Mind your own bussiness, or I'll kill you !!'_) he shouted giving out a deadly aura that had the power to pull you in another dimension. (**_A/N_**: This pick-up line just begged for me to use his first name! :D)

All the people in the cafeteria ran in panic, leaving the area deserted. That was one hella' scary pick-up line...!

Tuning his attention back at the silver haired, who still didn't seem to get over his gesture, the samurai decided to make him snap out of his reverie by giving him a punch in the face.

" Haven't I seen you somewhere? Yeah, you were on my bed the next morning!" ( _'Why the hell did you grope me, idiot?'_) Allen threw the punch back, but the japanese, expecting his outburst, dodged it.

_'Well, that worked...'_ Kanda, with a smug expression, retorted:

" How would you like to go down under...while I'll be on top!" ( _'As if a vertically challenged stupid Moyashi could land a punch on me!'_)

_' My name's Allen, you hear me? And I'm still growing, I'm going to whipe that superiority smug off your face, bastard!'_ was what the british boy wanted to say , as if guessing what the older exorcist insulted him about... buuut:

" Are your parents retard? Cuz' you shure are special to me!!" and threw him another fist...which didn't miss this time...

" I've heard sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?" (' _That's it, Beansprout! You're dead!'_) Kanda unsheated Mugen.

" I'd like to see how you look when I'm naked !" ( _'You're not the only one who's mad about the situation here, BaKanda!'_) Allen activated his arm.

The samurai sliced through the air, as Allen dodged all the hits.

" I may not be the best looking guy around here, but I'm the only one talking to you!" ( _'You're getting slow, baka!'_)

" Want to play army? You be the enemy and blow me away!" (_'Talk about yourself, old man!_) he landed a cut on his arm.

However, Allen didn't give up and swung his metallic tallons back at Kanda...

The earth shattered, hurricanes blew, thunder clapped, lightning struck and fire roared that day in the cafeteria...

* * *

Meanwhile, in the library, Lavi was just waking up from the coma induced by the panda pwnage...

" Oww! That really hurt, you old Panda!" the redhead said , rubbing his lumped filled head "Eh?! ...I can talk normally?!"

" Are you up yet, stupid apprentice?" the old man looked at Lavi.

_'But what made the effects of the potion go away?'_ he started pondering...

"People that make fun of their masters are proven their worth by getting a beating !" said Bookman.

" That's it! I'm going to tell Komui, see you later, Gramps !"

* * *

**Scarlett Rhapsody**: I have to say that I'm really pleased with this chapter. So...

How was it? Was it good? Was it bad? Reviews please! :)

Next, in **Chapter 3**. : - more horrible pick-up lines !

- Komui hits on Lenalee! - because **Nakimi Ishikawa** wants to see that, so I try to please my readers :D

- They find out what the solution to their problem is... but will it be easy for everybody? I'm sooo planning on tormenting my favourite character more... XD


	3. Offended ?

**Disclaimer:** D. Gray-Man belongs to Hoshino Katsura. Pick-up lines belong to contemporary urban wisdom.

**Anna (Scarlett Rhapsody): Thank you for your reviews! And for adding the story to your favourites!**

To** whatthehellwasithinkin **: You'll see that I've made somebody hit on Krory, since you wanted to read that :P

I must mention that some of the developments in the plot were influenced by your comments and replies! I frankly didn't expect this fiction to be more than 2 chapters long, but you guys gave me a few ideas...Because of that, I'm cooking up a surprise for you!...but after I return from my trip to Bukarest, so it'll take a few more days to update.

Now, on with the story...!

* * *

Chapter 3. : _**O**f**f**_e_**n****d**_e_d _**?**_!_

In the comfort of his paper flooded office, drifting gently in a light sleep with his head on the desk, Komui could hear some rushed thumps coming from far away, getting closer and closer... louder and louder...

Lavi burst into the room and shouted excitedly:

"Komui, wake up!, I'm here to tell you..."

"Welcome... to the _dark side_... we have _condoms_ ..." mumbled the sleeping scientist.

"Lenalee has got a boyfriend...!" Lavi whispered to him.

" I'll give you a nickel to tickle my pickle !" ( _'Nooooo! Leeenaaaleeee!! '_) he jumped up immediatly and started gathering his tools, when he noticed the readhead...

"Now that I have your attention, I'm here to tell you that I'm cured. Here is how I got rid of it. Stand still..."

And Lavi punched Komui.

"Did it work?" he asked.

" Did your father have sex with a carrot? Cause you've got nice eyes..." Komui answered.

"Guess not..." he scratched his head.

_"It didn't work , but try again, try again! I remembered something!"_ Komui quickly wrote on a piece of paper _" I'm shure this was the way the other subjects of the experiment got rid of the pick-up line potion's effects!"._ Lavi sweatdropped and hit him again.

"Any good?"

" Your graphics are so beautiful they rival Doom 3"

"..."

"How about you actually tell me a pick-up line and I'll slap you for that...Old Panda kicked me before I even opened my mouth and I was still affected by your potion. Only after I told him kinky stuff did he mop the floor with my face and got me cured..."

Komui nodded.

"Ok, tell me something dirty...!" The redhead grinned

"Hello, well-formed Homo sapien specimen. Would you care to depart with me towards my domiciliary residence and observe a documentary of the ontogenesis of another Homo sapien individual just prior to fertilization?" (_**A/N**_: I_ think Komui thought the same thing he said...)_

SLAP!!

"Well...?"

" I've been a bad boy, so spank me!" Komui answered.

SLAP!!

" I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me !"

_'Maybe the beating has to be rougher..._' he thought gripping his hammer.

BANG!!

" Wanna screw?" ...Komui took out a screwdriver from his pocket.

" I think we should get somebody else...A girl, maybe?" Lavi said with a tired voice.

* * *

Right on que, Lenalee entered the office to see what her brother was doing. She was surprised to see him lying on the floor with a swollen jaw and a few bumps on the head. And some bumps on the bumps on the head...

" Nii-san, what happened to you?" she asked holding her brother's head up.

_'That's it, just say something to her!'_ Lavi made gestures, pointing to Lenalee.

" Don't worry about the missing teeth. It just means there is more room for your tongue..." (_'Wha-what? Where are you pointing me to...and..'_) the mad scientist mumbled dizzily.

"Oh, no! Don't tell me you got infected too, nii-san...You were supposed to help Allen get back to normal..." Lenalee sighed."And why are you covered in bruises?"

"That would be my fault, Lenalee-chan" , said the redhead, " The way to make the effects of the Pick-up line potion dissapear is for him to get hit by someone... I think I realise now why the G.Y.S. initials were there..."

"So, you say that getting slapped is the solution of his problem...Well, then, nii-san, tell me something!"

Komui shook his head. _'There's no way I'm talking to you now, my precious Lenalee!'_

_" _Nii-san, just say something. Don't be stubborn!" she pouted, as Komui shook his head in refuse. Lenalee then frowned cutely and whispered to him:

"I have a boyfriend."

" If I told you I was gay, I know you would let me touch you!" (_'Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! How could you do this to your brother!! The creep! My Lenaleeee, tell me who he is and let your older brother deal with him!!'_) Komui was hysterical, but was soon stopped by a Lenalee punch.

"Are you back to normal, brother?"

" I think we might be related. Let me check the family birthmark on your chest..." (_'Lenaleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Your brother has the best intentions'_) he whined.

" It still doesn't work!" Lavi said "Maybe we should get Panda- Jiji to kick his ass..."

" Did you just sit in a water puddle, or are you just happy to see me?" ( _'That bastard! Who knows what he did to my innocent little sister!? '_) Lenalee continued to slap him...until realization dawned on the crazy inventor:

" I'm bigger and better than the Titanic...Only 200 women went down on the Titanic !" (_'Oh, no!! I'm the same as the bastard!! I hit on my Lenalee!! ...Waaaaaah!! What did you people make me do...'_)

"Don't let him drive that drill through his chest!" Lavi held Komui down, as he was stuggling for a suicidal attempt.

* * *

Then, the door opened and Reever came in holding a big stack of documents for the supervisor to sign. Upon seeing him, Komui immediatly burst out of Lavi's hold and started running towards him crying, just like when a Komurin is in danger of being destroyed...

" You are the hottest thing since sunburn!" (_' Reever-sanchou, look at what they made me do!'_)

" Supervisor, you have documents to sign by tomorrow. Stop acting crazy."

" You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear !" ( _'But, Reeeever- saaaan!!'_)

" No matter what you're trying to pull, you're not slacking off this time !" Reever started to get annoyed.

" If you were my homework, I'd do you on the table!"

" Stop doing that and get to work!" he slapped the Chineese man on the back of his head and dragged him to his desk.

" Reever, you are so mean!!" Komui continued to whine " Huh?...I can talk!"

" Reever- san, you did it!" Lavi and Lenalee exclaimed.

" Do what?" the man looked puzzled.

After Lavi explained to him about the Pick-up line potion that Komui invented, he asked him if he had seen Allen to go and 'help' him too.

" Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you that he's with Kanda destroying the cafeteria! They are fighting like they always do, but their bickering sounded more like an old couple's than usual and Kanda seemed angrier..."

" That was the last thing we needed" Komui slapped his forehead " Call them here, I now know what it takes to get them back to normal."

Lenalee, equipped with a clipboard, offered to bring the two exorcists in the office.

* * *

Minutes later, Allen and Kanda were sitting on the couch glaring at each other and the athmosphere was so dense it could generate electricity.

" I see that in the meantime Kanda got infected too, but , anyway, here is how to get cured..." Komui started.

" Would you fuck me if I was going to die soon? Well, I've got a bomb in my pants!" (_'How? About time you figured out!'_) they both jumped at the Chineese man, directing their anger at him. After all, his experiment was the cause of the whole mess.

" You must hit on somebody and that person must slap, kick, pinch, scratch or inflict any kind of physical pain."

Both exorcists were already in a fighting stance, but before they could lunge against each other, Lenalee used her clipboard attack...

" Wait, nii-san has more to say... I think you've battled enough to see that when both people are infected nothing happens..."

" Yes, as I was saying..." Komui coughed into his fist " that person has to feel offended or angry or disgusted by you when you hit on them, so it's crucial that the subject doesn't know you are affected by the Komu-potion..."

" Yep, so all you' ve gotta do is go flirt with somebody and get bitchslapped!" Lavi cheered. "We'll help out! Lenalee-chan can go with Allen and I'll go see Yuu-chan get whacked !!" He then felt a cold tip of a sharp blade at his neck :

" Pardon me, are you in heat?!" (_'Say one more word and you are dead, rabbit!'_)

* * *

In his pursuit of the necessary bitchslap, Allen, accompanied by Lenalee, met with Krory in the hallways.

" There is your chance, Allen-kun! Go tell him something, he probably won't be angry after you explain it to him!" Allen nodded and went over to the vampiric exorcist.

" Hello, Allen! How are you doing?"

" I wish I were a tear so I could start in your eyes, live on your face and die on your lips..."

" E- Eliade...! " he muttered with tears welling up in his eyes. " You have reminded me of something she would say... Oh, my lost Eliade...!!" Krory started crying, sinking in his own mental world, leaving Allen unharmed and Lenalee to try to calm him down.

" Aaa...I think we better try somebody else..."she suggested " A finder, maybe? "

* * *

Meanwhile, Kanda and Lavi were also searching for a person the japanese could hit on and get hit back... They saw Miranda, who was just leaving the infirmary. The two looked at each other.

_'Hell, NO !!_ ' and they turned back to go another way...

* * *

Allen went over to a finder and , smiling sweetly, served him the following line:

" Roses are red, violets are blue, I have warts, so will you !"

" Who the fuck are you..." the angry finder turned around to look at the perverted fag, raising his fist...when he saw Allen's big glossy eyes full of expectation of getting punched...

" C-c-cute!!" the man stopped himself from commiting the violent act. He had a heart!... It was like hurting a small fluffy animal...or kicking a puppy. Who on earth could be that cruel ...?!

* * *

Kanda was feeling a very irritated. Everytime he walked over to people and began saying something, they cowered in fear and ran away...

" A-amazing !..." Lavi stared as another finder was making his hasty retreat "It seems everybody here is afraid of you... ! But it is to be expected, since you threatened them eariler in the cafeteria..."

* * *

On the other side of the building, Allen was banging his head on the wall in frustration...

" I can't believe so many people let you get away with such dirty lines! I guess these are the advantages of looking cute and vulnerable..." Lenalee exclaimed..." How on earth can you make people get mad at you, Allen?"

'_ That's it!'_ Allen's smile grew wide and had sharp sharky teeth, like he was transforming into some evil being, and took out a deck of cards from his pocket...

* * *

" When I first saw you, I knew we could win the Stanley Cup in tonsil hockey ." Kanda said while holding a scientist by his coat, in order for him not to escape. The said man was begging for mercy, the samurai shook him - _' Maybe this will get him to at least hit me in defense...'_ he thought- however, he suddently noticed a puddle forming on the ground leaking from the man's trousers...

" Oh my god, Yuu ! Let him go, he's so terrified, he's peeing his pants...!" Lavi urged him and Kanda complied, shooting him a chilling glare, afterwards, for using his first name.

_' What is wrong with these people?! Aren't they supposed to expect death at any time? We're in a war!'_

" Oh, well! Don't worry Yuu-chan!... your best friend has got an awesome ideea... !" Lavi grinned and put an arm around the long haired teen's shoulder " You and I are hitting the town to pick-up girls!"

_'Tch...'_

* * *

**Scarlett Rhapsody**: I like reviews...I read them more often than I correct spelling mistakes in my own fiction! :S

So...give me something to read! :D

What happenes in **Chapter 4.** ? Here: - pick-up lines, of course!

-Allen plays poker

- Kanda vs. women!( EVIL, I tell you!)

- that bit of Yullen you've been waiting for! (Even for those who don't like the pairing , don't worry! - I'll make it sweet... - _kuku ku ku..._-)

And...(_space odyssey overture_), I'll throw in an **Extra** (**Chapter 5.**), with a very **special guest**, to teach you kiddies a thing or two about pick-up lines!! (Bet some of you can guess who it is!) XD


	4. STRIKE!

**Anna** : How've you people been? I know I should be killed for not updating too soon (2 months? - what the hell have I been doing?!), especially with all your lovely feedback I got, but I was kinda lazy... But lately plot bunnies and boredom have joined their forces and tortured me so here I am with a really long chapter, which I hope isn't as bad as I think it is...

Somehow, the whole pick-up lines ideea seems so outdated to me...but I hope you'll still find it captivating in the slightest, as I don't like to leave things unfinished.

_A/N from a month ago - yes, I've been meaning to update a month ago - don't shoot! I still have potential!_

I finally got into the university I wanted ! :D And, I've seen the IRON MAIDEN live, front row and everything! I swear it was the best concert I've been to in my life! (...and I've seen quite a lot) - I highly recommend anybody who has the chance to GO. SEE. THEM.! They are on an entirely different level than any other rock band - be it visual ot tehnical.

When I got back, slightly cured from my wanderlust tendencies, I find such an obscene number of reviews ( 69 when I looked, is that supposed to mean something? lol) and people who added this fic to their favourites, story alerts or simply read it... To all of you, a big **THANK YOU! **

**Disclaimer:** Ya' know... If not the whole DGM, I wish at least Kanda Yuu were mine...Allen would be nice too... oh, and that soap Kanda washes his hair with XD

And now, ladies, gentlemen and golems/robots/aliens, here it is:

* * *

**"Chapterosaurus" (**as in** " the longest chapter ever") 4. :** _STRIKE_ **_!!_**

_**"Royal Straight Flush"**_ could be read on the cardboard sign cheerleader Lenalee held up once every 2 minutes, whenever an evil chinsaw-like toothed creature, most of the time harmlessly known as Allen Walker, put down his cards. A few finders, stripped down to their boxers, thongs, fundoshi, G-strings or other prefferential undergarments, were staring at the white haired poker demon.

" Eh, again? I don't think you're playing fair kid! Let me look at your sleeves !" a finder said in an unhappy tone.

" If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib. " the british mocked him surrounded in his satanic black flames, withdrawing his hands as if hiding something.

" Why, you cheater -" the others exclaimed and pulled at his coat.

" You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad...If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second. " with that said, Allen let a few cards slip out of his sleeves in front of the infuriated finders. Right then he was punched in the face. And for once, he was actually happy about it.

For further safety measures, Lenalee had her clipboard.

* * *

"It feels so good to be able to say what I want!" The white haired exorcist paced lightly, stretching his hands feeling as if he lifted a curse...until he, again, bumped into someone we all know, the unnoriginal laitmotiv inducing narrator likes him to bump in to...

" Let's take a shower together -- you smell."

"Oh, seems like BaKanda still doesn't know how to flirt with people" he snickered, happy that he could now properly throw a tantrum at the long haired teen.

" I can make you feel like I've never had sex before" (_' Shut up, you beansprout!'_) Kanda grumbled, twitching at what he actually says.

"Ah, well, we had a few problems with people being afraid to slap him" Lavi explained "... so we decided to go outside and let Yuu act like a perverted leech to women..." he was interrupted by a bump generating punch from the wannabe lecherous japaneese.

"Oh, that explains why he's wearing casual clothes" Lenalee noticed. And _'Punch ...?'_

"Yeah, I had a really hard time convincing him not to take Mugen with him. The last thing we want is townspeople to be afraid to hit him, because he's carrying a sword." the red haired added.

"Really, you should go and try to smile nicely, Kanda-kun!" Lenalee advised " Don't glare at people because that way you seem unapproachable"

" That's right, Kanda-kun!" Allen backed up Lenalee, blatantly surpressing a laugh.

" And Allen-kun is coming along with you two to help" she continued.

" What? Why should I?" the british boy suddently jumped.

" I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room...You look so hot that I could cook rice on you!" (_'Yes, why should he? I don't need the sprout coming along, I've already the stupid rabbit following me!'_)

" First of all, you were the one who infected him in the first place, Allen-kun"

Allen felt a pang of guilt. No way, how could he feel guilty!? The antisocial jerk totally deserved it! " And secondly, you're good at socializing with people. You can help Kanda-kun..."

" Is that your date, or did your brother get a new dress? " (_'Damn it, I don't need any of your concern!'_) the person in question twitched. Lavi and Lenalee laughed and Allen wanted to punch him really badly.

" I think Yuu-chan really doesn't want you to come and see him get slapped by women. Aww, ain't that cu... " Lavi was interrupted by a swordless samurai who decided to choke him with his scarf...

"Really now..." Allen's expression changed " Actually I want to 'help' BaKanda...It will be quite refreshing to see a jerk like him getting what he deserves for once..."

" Actually I prefer to pillage, burn and then rape. The fire light makes it much more romantic. Got a match? "

* * *

Outside, it was a bright sunshiny day, the birds were chirping, the flowers in bloom and the streets filled with its usual busy people. A bell rang at the old high school in the centre of the town and the gates opened letting out a cheerful, talking, laughing crowd of students, who were enjoying the sensation of having changed into the lighter summer uniform.

In the park across the street from the school two imaginary bunny ears perked up from behing a tree followed by a silver haired head and a dark...aaa no! Actually he was standing near the tree, looking bored as a single huge impossible-to-express-at-the-moment _'Tch'_ seemed to be the expression of his spiritual essence...

" STRIKE ! Look, Yuu-chan, high school girls! Isn't it great? " the heart-shaped eyed Lavi pointed excitedly "Go over and impress them! "

"I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it" (_'Stop calling me by my first name, stupid rabbit!'_)

"Yeah, that's it...Say something like that and you can get hit faster..." Allen smirked too

" After you get slapped, I wanna talk to them too! Lavi to the rescue!"

"Rescue them from what ? Kanda is not violent towards women..."

Kanda was already walking away from them, deciding he would kill them when they get back, scanning the area for a girl that looked likely to slap him if he were to 'impress' her with his newly aquired conversational skill.

" Why, you're such a kid Allen! Girls like it when strong men come to protect them from perverts (Yuu-chan in this case)...Don't you read shoujo mangas?"

"Hey, I'm not a kid, okay?"

"Anyway, I might get me a date! Yay!"

"Oh, look Lavi...He's heading towards that girl in the uniform..."

"Which one?"

"The curly blond one that's looking into the window of that fashion boutique..."

"Strike!!" small bunnies start dancing around the redhead shooting themselves Jasdevi style "That Yuu-chan doesn't have bad taste at all..."

_" Bastard..."_ Allen muttered under his breath.

Long hair fluttering in the air, white shirt's collar unbuttoned loosely around his neck, sharp eyes looking straight at his 'prey' , Kanda Yu walks determined towards the fashionable clothes interested girl.

"Oh, look Allen, he's going to say something..." both boys snicker, stretching their heads over the bushes to see better.

Kanda sighs and lets it go:

" If I take off my shirt right here and right now, would you go out with me?"

The girl turned her head and took the slapping-the-pervert pose... Just as Kanda begins (unvoluntarily) unbuttoning his shirt... (don't drool on the keyboard! :P)

"Haha, look Allen! She' s gonna..."

" STRIKE!!"

_'Huh?'_

" Kyaaa! Tall, dark and handsome...!" The girl goes into the rabid pink hearts - pink bunny slaughter mode.

The two other exorcist's lower jaws hit the ground. Jeez, who would have guessed this pick-up line works so fine with Kanda?!

The 'tall, dark and handsome' proclaimed person takes one step back, eyebrow twitching.

" Of course I will go out with you! Wait till I find my cellphone!" and she starts excitedly throwing all the stuff around in her bag in search for the wanted piece of technology that century didn't have...(that's why it took time to find it :P)

Meanwhile, Kanda looks around crispated and starts making really quick steps, turning around the corner of the building. Lavi and Allen quickly follow in that direction after the japanese.

" Huh? Hey, the pretty long hair guy! Where did you go?" the girl calls to him confused.

* * *

" I can't believe you got a date!" Lavi jumps around Kanda.

" I can't believe it worked with such a horrible pick up line. Geez, only part time underware thieves would say that!" Allen added, slightly annoyed.

" But I guess that pick up line works for you, Yu-chan, you've got the looks anyway..."

""Baby, a night with me is like September 11th: A little shaky and sad at first, but once I get you in bed, game over!" (_'Don't call me that, stupid bunny!'_)

" Anyway, go and try again. Maybe next time, you'll say something as unsuccesful as this."

" Or just look for a more nonconformist type of girl...how about that one?" Allen points towards a girl with ripped jeans, bondage Tee and a lot of piercings. What? Lenalee wears mini skirts and high heels, too.

Kanda, for once, finds the Beansprout's suggestions good, so he heads towards the said female.

" You're a babe, right? Haven't you seen the film? "

The punkish chick gawks at him. The long haired japanese decides to push it some more...

" You know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo "

" Hey, aren't you Frost (1)? " she inches closer to the exorcist, who in turn starts gawking at her.

" That's right! You look just like him! You've got that long black hair and the eyes! And you flirt with everybody! You must be him!"

" You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts!" (_'I have no ideea what you're talking about...'_) and he takes the second intimidated step back of the day.

" KYAAA!! Frost, I'm your biggest fan! Let me take a picture with you !"

Kanda starts walking fast.

" Aww, c'mon.. I even have a huge poster of you in my bedroom next to Brad Pitt and Tyki Mikk (2 ?!) !" The girl starts walking after him.

Kanda is then walking faster.

" Come back! I love your music soo much!! You know you are my future husband!!" she screams, running after him trying to glomp him.

In that moment, the samurai decides that it's time to make a quick retreat. So he runs as fast as he can from the matrimonial prospect, mentally congratulating his swordsman speed...

I have to mention that Lavi and Allen were laughing hard. Really hard.

* * *

" Oh my god, Yuu! First a date, now a marriage proposal...!?" Lavi was still laughing hysterically.

" You're ugly but you intrigue me." (_'Well, it was the Beansprout's ideea'_) the teen glared and pointed accusingly at the silver haired boy.

" Tsk, tsk...Don't flatter yourself, she just mistook you for some rock star" Allen said " Besides I'm hungry and I'm tired of following Kanda around..."

"I'm on top of things. I think you would like to be one of them " (_'That's fine by me, I don't want you two idiots following me'_) he added.

" I am kinda thirsty, too" the redhaired added. " How about me and Allen go buy some food and drinks, while you try your luck a bit more, and we'll meet you right here in... 30 minutes?" (A/N: You can even imagine the time it takes to bring all of Allen's order, no matter how fast fast-food is...)

Kanda nodded and once again headed towards the flirting battlefield.

* * *

30 minutes later, Kanda came running towards his comrades.

"Well, are you cured?" Allen asked biting a sandwich

" Just where do those legs of yours end?" (_'What does it look like?'_)

Allen wanted to shout at him but stopped when Kanda started emptying his bosom and pockets full of telephone numbers, home adresses and hellfire club invitations in a thrash bin... Then after the bin was full, into another one...

" Oh my God! How did you get so many in just 30 minutes?" the two exclaimed at once.

" Mou, Yuu-chan! How did you do that?! I'm so envious! It's not fair!" Lavi started whining.

" Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear. "

" How come girls like cold hearted bastards like him and my Master?" Allen wonders looking up at his handsome features... " I mean, what's so good about you?" he asks the japanese, frustrated, but he somewhow couldn't surpress a blush. Kanda is a bit surprised at the unusual gesture:

" You must be this beautiful ( makes hand gesture for height) to ride me. "

" Why, you bastard!"

" There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet...your name"

" How many times do I have to tell you, it's Allen!"

Before the electric charges could take place between the two a stomping sound came...closer and closer, louder and louder , enough that the three exorcist's attention were suddently drown towards that direction, preparing themselves to get out of the way of what seemed to be a sort of wild buffalo stampede .

It was coming...

"KYAA!! KYAA !! Tall, dark and handsome japanese-sama!!" the fangirls screamed, pink hearts and all running towards them.

"What the hell did you do, BaKanda?!"

"If God had a refrigerator, a picture of you would be on it. (_' Shut up and run, Moyashi!_')

" Strike!!" Lavi imitated them, but eventually got dragged by his collar by the other two exorcists and pulled into a carriage to get them as far as possible from the fangirl battalion.

* * *

Soon, they found themselves in a more select side of town, with big mansions each surrounded by well kept gardens.

"What now? " Lavi asks.

" Marry me, and I'll never look at another horse" (_' I'm getting cured from this freakin' virus, that's what'_) and Kanda stalked over to a rather elderly woman, which by the looks of her black elegant dress and jewelry, was part of the upper class.

" That's the spirit, Yu-chan! Fight-o!" Lavi cheered.

" Looks like the prick might still get hit, that there is a mature woman."

" Yeah, she is a bit too old for my taste, but I'd still _strike_ "

" Wha-? I meant she has a ring on her finger, she is most likely married"

" Hmmm...I don't know about marriage...I might mind that a bit..."

" Lavi!"

" Ok, ok, moyashi-chan, let's just watch now"

" It's Allen!"

Ignoring the conversation between the two, Kanda Yuu summons up his warrior spirit and prepares for the confrontation. After all, today was a confirmation on why he disliked having to deal with women. He then approaches the elegantly dressed damsel, who notices him and claps her hands:

" Oh, what a beautifull boy! And what lovely hair you got dear!Would you be a sweet dear and tell me your name? "

Kanda stopped in his tracks. The same disgustingly emotional tone...The old lady reminded him of someone... someone he absolutely dislikes having around ...

" Oh, my! You remind you so much of my own grandaughter..." she started sniffing.

That was it... the long haired samurai decided on a quick retreat, seeing as he didn't need another Froi Tiedoll in his circle of aquaintances. But the old woman immediatly started to follow him.

" Hey wouldn't you like a cup of tea? I'm sure you'd like to show you some family pictures! It will be just like when my grandaughter was living with me..."

" You're so cute you make Hello Kitty look like Quasi-moto." (_'Leave me alone, you crazy woman!'_)

" My, being around youngsters nowadays shure make me feel young again!" she said, feeling flattered.

* * *

"Guess it didn't work this time either, Kanda."

Kanda was terribly pissed off.

" That's because Yuu-chan is oh-so loveable!"

" I'm easy. Are you?" (_' Stop calling me that, or I'll kill you!'_)

" Speaking of loveable, maybe it is his luck that he got infected. After all, look at how easily he makes friends now!"

Kanda strangled the red head with his scarf again, until he turned a deep shade of purple.

" Wait, don't kill him!" Allen jumped in.

" Let's get drunk and take advantage of each other. Or, I can get drunk and you take advantage of me. Or you can stay here and get drunk while I go home and take advantage of myself"

" That's nice, Kanda. But how about we try to do it in another way...I just thought of something..."

"..."

"Whoa, Allen!"

" Not that! "Allen punched Lavi " I meant Kanda should try to hit on two girls at once and make them angry at him. It sometimes worked with (shiver) Cross. I mean some came after him with the bill, after they heard he was two-timing...and then he ran away and pushed his bills on me" the boy started shivering from his aprenticeship trauma.

* * *

Kanda sighed. He looked around and saw two girls stepping out of an epoch car, which were quite rare in that time and few could afford them . Great, they looked like rich spoiled brats. That shouldn't be too difficult to get on their nerves,no? So he walks over towards them.

" So, you're a girl, eh?" he says looking at one of them and then looking at the other " I'd marry your cat just to get in your family!"

" What? " they both look increduously at him.

" Young man! Don't you talk to ladies like that!" the driver stepped out of the car.

_'Just a little more...' _

" Would you like to carry my books for me?" and put his hand on one of the girl's arm.

" Why, you!" the chauffer prepared to shove him and land a punch. Kanda didn't blink, expecting his solution to his current problem. But the hit didn't land.

" Kyaaa! He's so adorable!" before the japanese could even react, both girls glomped him and pulled him in the car. "Klaus, step on it!" they adressed the driver.

" Yes, young miss!"

" Just wait till we show him to the girls!" they both giggled to an alarmed Kanda who fully intended to get away from them as soon as possible.

* * *

**Anna:** (1) When I thought about which rocker looks like Kanda, Frost from Satyricon seemed to pop in my mind ,even though he's scandinavian. He used to have long waistlength straight black hair a few years ago - no bangs, unfortunately!, sharp eyes and a slightly feminine face...and swords :P Of course, without the horror make-up, he's a black metal drummer - and one of the fastest, at that - (intimidating like Kanda?)- doubt it's anyone's cup of tea here XS

(2) I must have been smoking crack when I wrote that... anyway, I thought 'popular sex simbol' Brad Pit/ Justin Timberlake and added Tyki Mikk just for the kicks. The author only has Tobias Sammet and Kanda pictures in her room ( I think her boyfriend's pic was once there somewhere, too).

Anyway, if you know some rocker that resembles Kanda better, don't hesitate to pm me or review or something... Or should I just go with a generic 'Garry Glitter' or 'Stevie Spandex'? :D

**Oops, it seems I wrote more than I intended to, so I guess Chapter 5 will be final and chapter 6 Extra. Hope you don't mind me stretching this...**

**I promise you fangirls the next chapter. Next time they come in a large group, not just individuals... And the Yullen! saving the best for last, no?**

As for the **Extra Chapter 6**, I was planning to invite **General Cross** and make him do a sort of monologue (damn monologues are harder than I thought!), but since I got all these suggestions I'm going to have **Tyki** make an appearance too!

Also, I am open for requests to incorporate drabbles within this chapter -I am going to create a monster! - so if you want a character to hit on a character, don't hesitate to let me know.

I want to play with the pick up line ideea to the fullest, hope it turns out how I want it - they usually don't.


	5. Giving people hope:Thank you

**Anna**: I want to thank all of you people that still read, comment and favorite this fiction. However due to not remembering my password, laziness and simply doing other rather useless stuff in my spare time I haven't been able to upload this fic.

However, in the last few days I've been haunted by all sorts of plot bunnies and so I have an incredible urge to finish this story. I have also found my sketch notebook for the story, plus I might use some ideas from no fear! Although it's been a year, I believe that my style of narrating is still as bombastic as ever! :))

So, I promise you I will update this story in one week's time!

* * *

This has been a strategically placed chapter to get more people to read this fic. XD

Sincerely yours,

Machiavelli


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